How to forgive your parents?

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One night I was getting ready to go to eat with my dad and mom, my mom was a little late and my dad started to get mad. They started to argue and yell in the living room, my dad started to get more mad. I was able to see that in his face. I was very scared. I was around 12 years old those days and was not the first time I saw them fighting.

My mom, that is way smaller and weaker than my dad, was also raising her anger and feels like things will get worse. So, it was.

Suddenly my dad pushed my mom and she fell, and I hold her right before she reached the floor.  Then I help her to stand again, leave her and put myself right in the middle of them, facing my dad and protecting my mom like a shield.

I clearly remember I was calm and ready to hit him, I saw him right into his eyes and he looked down, lower his head and move away to his room.

We never talked about the incident after that day.

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Like this, and more dramatic family conflicts happen to many people around the world. Some of us experience physical abuse, verbal abuse, abandon, an addicted parent, a suicidal parent, broken families, divorced parents, etc. These situations impact our mind and heart and most of the time we don’t even notice.

My dad is usually a lovely guy with a bad temper and I truly love him. Is how he is. I love my mom too, she is more tender and lovely but also can get mad. I know they love me back. But what happens when you experience a fight between them? What happens when you are observing the hatred and sadness of your parents? Unconsciously I was hating them for creating these feelings to me. I was hating my dad deep inside my heart because he was emotionally hurting my mom, I was feeling pity of my mom and I was creating a strong limiting belief that I was not able to see until I was into my own intimate relationship years later. This belief was:  Real love between the married couple doesn’t exist.

The conflicts between parents create a huge psychological impact on their kids. More severe when you as a kid get hurt, physically and emotionally. In the surface it may seem all was fine, past is past, but inside a lot of emotional wounds are created by the repressed feelings and the lack of guidance or understanding on how to deal with them in a healthy way.

Based on my career experience and after observing so many cases of my clients, These early traumas are exposed when going into our own intimate relationship. We tend to recreate the same “unsolved” parents’ issue with our couple (boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, even kids). Unconsciously we will try to “solve it”, “fix it” or “change it”. At the end nobody is broken, is just a reflection of something that needs to be solved inside ourselves.

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A lot of people will go for seminars, workshops, hire some gurus for help, at most of the time don’t bring the results we want. Why is that?  Because most of us are trying to find a logical solution to an emotional wound that is in our heart. Most of us are trying to look for the reasons of the problem but with this, you are only missing the big scope.  It will never work in this way.

Only few will go for one of the most effective ways to deal with this. Release the anger or fear and finally let go this burden from the root.  The missing part and the way is through FORGIVENESS.
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FORGIVENESS is one of the qualities that make us humans. To forgive is one of our superpowers. Everybody can forgive. Not everybody knows how.

These wounds that were created in childhood by our parents are the root of the limiting beliefs and behaviors of our present time. This belief system is the one that, over time and with energy, will manifest in the real world in all the relationships we experience as adults. All is connected.

A limiting belief leads to a negative behavior or action. The result or consequence that will bring your behavior is more likely to be negative than positive.  Cause and Effect.

So, why we can’t forgive? Is it so hard to do it?   It’s not so hard. Here I will share how to do it.

Just want to mention the following steps don’t come from me. This is the integration of many master’s philosophy and wisdom about forgiveness and how to forgive. Each of us has our own way to do it, this is just one way.

I forget my parents because thanks to them I created on me the belief that real love between the couple doesn’t exist. But I am not blaming them. This process of learning how to forgive them allowed me to understand how love works, how many kinds of love we practice and to tap in the most wonderful and ultimate love.
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ATTENTION: Like anything in life, we need practice and patience to see sustainable and lasting results. Old emotional wounds are deep inside and may require time to heal. The practice of our inner powers such as FORGIVENESS requires time and patience to see results.

STEPS TO FORGIVE YOUR PARENTS

PREPARATION: Take quality time in a calm and quiet place. Turn of your WIFI, put some relaxing music in the background and go for this exercise. Prepare a pen and paper to write down. Please read all the steps first then go to action.

STEP 1) BE SPECIFIC

You must be specific about what you want to forgive and who to forgive. Take your time to have this clear. Remember a specific moment in your childhood. The earliest, the best.

STEP 2) WRITE IT DOWN

Get the pen and paper and write it down clearly what you want to forgive.  Use this simple pattern to guide you:

 

Me, ___(your name) feel___ (negative feelings/emotions) because when I was a___(your age) years old my___ (mom/dad/both) did_______(description of the situation or action that hurt you) this to me.

 
I am an adult now and I understand that__ (fill in)

As an adult, I am responsible for my own emotions and feelings. I want and deserve to have a better____ (fill in) and feel more___(fill in). Because of this, is my time to forgive (mom/dad/both) with all my heart. I forgive you. 

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STEP 3) USE YOUR HEART

Put both of your hands in your heart. Let your feelings come up, accept them as they are. Let tears go out and clean you from inside to outside.

STEP 4) REPEAT

Repeat the statement: “Is my time to forgive (mom/dad/both) with all my heart. I forgive you.” as many times as you need until you feel calm and light. That means you let go that heavy luggage full of negative energy and emotions.
STEP 5) STAY IN SILENCE

After you feel calm and see there are no more things to forgive, stay in silence as long as you can. If you fall sleep is ok. Let sleeping support your process.

STEP 6) HANDLE THE PAPER

You can throw it, keep it, but always be aware that whatever you do is to help you to let go the uncomfortable feelings and limitations that came from the specific situation created by your parents.

STEP 7) REPEAT

You can repeat this exercise, write a new paper and forgive all the things that you had repressed for so long.  Be calm and have patience. With this technique, you need some time to forgive.

 

STEP 8) EXTRA SUPPORT
To reinforce your healing process and create lasting results, you must consider the next steps:

PRACTICE NON-JUDGMENT.

Stop judging your parents because they don’t understand you, or because they don’t give you the kind of love you wanted to receive. Your mom and dad have their own way to express their love. They have their own journey to learn and grow. You cannot change them, change yourself first.

Judgment or criticism is strongly related to holding negative emotions that in long-term hurt us physically and emotionally, and by judging and criticizing others you are also throwing negative energies to them.

VISUALIZE YOUR RELATIONSHIP HEALED

Maybe your parents are no longer with you, or maybe they live far away.  They don’t need to be here in the present time besides you to forgive them. Visualize how you want the relationship to be, lovely, caring, simple. Our mind is extremely powerful. Use it to your own benefit.

Imagine yourself smiling and hugging them. Feel it in your heart.

PRACTICE CARE AND COMPASSION

These are other superpowers that come together to support our lives. Learn and practice them with your family and the people around you.

PRACTICE ACCEPTANCE

Learn how to accept other people’s weakness and things you don’t like about them. Also, learn how to take in when somebody does or say something that offends you.

Remember,  this is not easy, that’s why we need guidance and time to practice.

When somebody else, especially the ones that you love the most, do or say something that hurts you, they are just showing you something you need to deal with inside of you. They are mirrors. They reflect on you where you need to work. ACCEPTANCE is very important. Give yourself the chance to see it and raise your awareness.

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The next step is to FORGIVE YOURSELF.  I will write down more about this and share with you.

Hope you find this useful. Let us know about your story and how did you forgive your parents. Is it difficult?  was easy?

And remember: Do it for yourself,  you deserve it!

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New mindset, New life!

 

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